no strain....no gain

There are so many things pulling our lives in so many different directions every day. How do you find the time to follow each pull, pursue each direction, answer every call.....The simple answer: You don't! You can not possibly do everything, be everything, see everything. It is not humanly possible and not necessarily what God intended for us. The not so simple answer: While each opportunity or responsibility holds a certain value in your life, you need to figure out a way put everything on a priority list. The number one priorities take precedence and must be completed no matter what, then you move on down the line.

   What's pulling me? Drawing me? Calling me? Life. As spring makes its way into the heart of New England, so does it make its way into my consciousness. I feel awakened to new life. Awakened to possibilities. I feel like I'm seeing my world for the first time, again. Each spring brings such an abundance of promise. Spring is a breath of fresh air, cool breezes rustling curtains, new birdsong drifting through open windows, sunshine and rain, growth and new life. Spring brings an awakening to once dormant life. So now that spring is finally on its way, I feel like I've finally woken up from the deep slumber of winter and I am suddenly on the move! School, family, responsibility, plans.....all pulling me in a different direction. It's a little tough to harness all this energy and direct it towards something productive.
   I have just passed the midpoint in my first semester back at college. I received an A in Intro to Accounting 101 and a B in English 101. While I am proud of myself, I know I have to potential to do better. So why did I not DO better?! Because life is constantly pulling and tugging me. I struggle, like seaweed loosely embedded in the coast, getting constantly pushed and pulled by the current, pummeled by happy summer feet, and nibbled on by a frenzy of fish who need sustenance. I am a lonely piece of seaweed in the current of life, not sure if I should dig in my roots and attempt to stay where I am - or if I should let go, pick up my roots like the billowing skirt of a young girl, and run! Well, with school I know the answer.....dig those roots in baby! Don't ever let go! That's the mantra I will repeat until I have no breath left to do so, until I have graduated with a GPA that represents my personal best, until I have achieved everything I set out to achieve. I'm here for the long haul. The problem is trying to figure out how to concentrate when I have time to do so, and how to let go when I need to and concentrate on something else.
   It seems like each time I get a 'free day' where I know I'll have time to study, no matter what I do I cannot force myself to stay at my desk -book in hand- and study. I want to, I try to, I fail. Not always, sometimes I can successfully get a few solid hours of study in. But, it seems like most of the time it's a constant battle of wills. I have the will to succeed pushing me to study, and the will to experience life pushing me to run out the door and come home when I am ready to drop. That said, I have managed to get good grades so far, but I know that if I could push myself to study harder I'd have even better grades. That's what I want, better grades.
   Where else is life pulling me? Well, it's not a simple answer. Lately the top contenders have consistently been school, marriage, God, self improvement and medical concerns. However, we all know it's not as simple as this short list. Each piece of the short list has several pieces that make up the main piece; somehow they all fit together to form a whole.
   That's what we are all striving for, after all. Isn't it? To be a whole, to feel whole. For me it is. For me I am struggling daily to figure out what responsibility should take precedence over another. What is the most important right now? How do you choose, knowing that each choice has an effect on all the other possibilities? It's tough to choose. It's tough to decide what you can live with, or live without. I know I can't live with poor grades, but I also know I can't live without a connection to the 'real world' which involves every other aspect of my life. It's hard because if I want to succeed to the best of my ability in school, I must spend an incredible amount of time devoted to school. I can not simply BS my way through something and 'get by under the radar' as many people can. I would consider that a waste of time and think "what is the point of wasting money and resources if I am not really going to do this?" But, in order to do well -which is what I really want- I have to study so much more than the average student.
   On average, in my accounting class, I spend more than 40 hours a week practicing the problems in my study plan (provided by the lab site we use for the course). I complete hundreds of problems, working each problem as many times as I need to until I get it right. Why? Why would I go to such lengths and drive myself crazy, writing everything in a notebook until the ink runs dry and my fingers are painfully cramped? If I don't, I will not remember anything. My brain is what it is, it is only capable of learning one way. Unfortunately in my case I am a kinesthetic learner. I need to learn hands on, my brain connects memory to physical activity. Remembering what I was doing is directly connected to remembering how to do it. Similarly, physical activity seems to encourage my brain to retain detail. Simply reading the text book and answering a few study problems doesn't work for me. Without the act of practically copying the text word for word, I'd have no idea what I spend several hours studying. Without writing out every problem, every prompt, every explanation of each component of a problem, I wouldn't learn it.
   I am who God created me to be, someone who's life is governed by emotions, adrenaline, need.....  The best tool I have is the ability to understand how I learn, then use that knowledge to aid myself in success. I can not make myself learn the way others do. I can accept myself for the way I am, the way I was created, and figure out how to achieve MY best in the way the I am capable of doing so.

No matter which direction(s) you are feeling pulled in, don't forget to remember who you are, how you operate, who God created you to be. Figure out a way to use the tools that you were given, even if others consider it a negative trait, it doesn't have to be! Something another person considers negative is usually because they don't understand it, and because it's foreign it feels threatening. Don't listen to anyone else. You are who YOU are, not who others think you are. If you take the time to understand yourself you can figure out a way to take the things that make you unique, and use them to get you where you want to go. Go out there and LIVE, breath, experience life through the eyes GOD gave you. Don't attempt to look through someone else's eyes, it's no wonder you don't like what you see ;o)

Dear God, please help me to understand who you created me to be. Thank you for creating me for a purpose, and for leading me towards your purpose for me. I feel like a mule most of the time, I have to constantly remind myself to stop digging in my heels and to just simply follow you. I don't know why I fight your lead most of the time, when inside I know I want exactly what I'm fighting! I hope you can forgive me and continue to lead me. God, thank you for giving me the tools I have in this life and please teach me how to use them to succeed. Thank you for making me unique and teaching me how to love myself. I always struggle with feeling loved. It seems as though who I am does not often mesh with who others are and I don't know how to fix that. But I know that I am here for a purpose, I know you know what you're doing. Thank you for loving me and please help me continue to learn how to love myself.
-Amen