the umbrella effect

We all know that life not only 'can be' stressful, it just plain IS stressful. Sometimes the stress is good, and even motivational. Other times the stress doesn't feel any kind of good. But the stress is there all the same. Lately, the decision of whether or not to start a family right now was sort of - hanging - over my head. The not so good kind of stress…. and I couldn't figure out how to eliminate it. The only option of elimination being: MAKE A DECISION.

   Over the last few weeks my household has been very busy. For the sake of attempting not to write a novel I will tick off a few main points; physical therapy, counseling, several doctor’s appointments,  school tests and reviews (and everything else under the sun), babies being born (Amelia!!), vet appointments, job stress (for the DH, his boss was away so he was running his shop SOLO for the first time ever as well as taking care of the plowing which he has also never done before), and the list goes on. I think you get the idea. So the point is that we've had a lot more than just school and our relationship to deal with lately. Add to all of that the not so good stress of such an important decision to make and you get a not so neat little cocktail of roller coaster emotions and an out of control, runaway train, brain. In times where I should have been concentrating on the task or situation at hand I was, instead, focused on my emotions. I just couldn’t focus on anything else.

   However, the nasty old black umbrella that was affecting all other areas of my life has been ripped out of my greedy little clutches and carried off by the wind.

   Yes, you read correctly. By ‘greedy’ I meant that I have a tendency to dwell on all things emotional. When we dwell we hold on to something like a dying rich man who won’t take his rigid bony fingers off his 24 karat gold wallet. Now I know I am a woman, and women tend to be emotional; but I am who God created me to be and that just happens to be someone who is a little extra focused on all things emotional. The blessing in that is that I experience life to the fullest and when my loved ones need some emotional support I am there for them. Not everyone can be supportive in that way. If I were a super hero I'd probably be an 'empath'. The curse in it? Well, I'm pretty sure if you know me you're already aware of it.

   

   But God is good. He provided a way out from under that old umbrella, like he promises He will do. The stress was actually legitimate and not a figment of my imagination or something I was blowing out of proportion (I'm emotional, it happens..)

   We had a decision to make, that we didn't know how to make, and we felt stuck. There is a lot in life that needs to change if you want to responsibly choose to bring a child into this world. We wanted to make the choice to start our family but we both had conflicting emotions and were unable to settle on a decision. Our hearts were finally ready to say YES YES YES! But our brains were saying OH NO NO NO! We had finally gotten back to a place where we both wanted children, we both wanted to start trying, we both felt ready to be parents….Enter: the ominous 'BUT' looming over our heads in the form of - the previously mentioned ugly black umbrella. Our hearts are in the right place to finally say yes, but our lives are not.

Like I said, God is good. After a few recent events, some of them being doctor's visits among other things, we have been able to finally feel our hearts settle into a plan we both know is right. We know it is right because we can feel it. We have the peace we were looking for, our decision is made, the stress and physical exhaustion that making this decision caused is over with and we can move on. Yay!

   Stay tuned for a new mini-series I’ll be working on called: BAKING BUNNES

Luke 12:25 – “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Dear God,

   I know that you have a plan for our lives, but most of the time I feel so blind to your plan and I can’t help obsessing about finding the place where the plan feels good to me. You tell us not to worry, that it won’t add an hour to our lives, yet worrying is exactly what I do. I can’t help it. I’m sorry Lord and I pray that You will deliver me from worrying. I pray that You will teach me how to trust in You and not to keep trying to take my future in my own hands by willing it to be what I want. You know what is best for me. You know where I need to be in my life and You have known since the creation of time. God, I know that you have a plan and that it will be good if I can learn how to go along with it. I am asking you to keep showing me, don’t stop please, and keep leading me to where I need to be. I know I am a stubborn and ignorant lamb, I know I need you. Please help me follow you, please show me how to do that in a way that pleases you. But most importantly, thank you! Thank you for delivering me from this worry, for showing me that your plan really is the best plan, for leading me to this point in my life even though I keep tripping over my own sin and insecurity. Thank you for loving me, and continuing to open your hand and reach out to me, thank you for showing me who You really are. Thank you so much.

Amen

first....and last...

The birth of my newest niece Amelia was my first actual experience in getting to share to joy of the whole birth experience. With the addition of Amelia I now have 4 nieces and 4 nephews.

   That said, I do not mean to say that I was physically present in the hospital where Amelia was making her entrance into the world, but her birth was the first chance I've had to share in the entire experience with the expectant parents. I sent text messages to my brother and his wife, and jumped every time my phone buzzed or beeped. I got to feel the thrill of anticipation that only comes with something so unpredictable as the birth of a new baby, especially a baby being born into my family.
   Amelia was the first. I know, this may seem confusing, but it's true nonetheless. She is the first baby who entered this family at birth, the first who we got to experience the joys of expectancy with, and also the first leap day baby! How special :o)
     The reason Amelia's birth has made me so emotional is because I didn't get to experience this with any of the other 7 nieces and nephews. So in a way, it feels like she is the first. It's complicated because I don't mean to say that the others are not as important or as much a part of the family. I guess it's that I almost feel like the others have always been there, we just didn't get to meet them until a later point in their journey -after life had already begun. In Amelia's case, she began her journey here....in this very family. Her first moments of life as a MacLean started at 2:30AM, February 29th, 2012 on the day and time she was born. So in this way she was the first. And for A&J (her Pappa and Mamma) she is their very first born child.
   Now I want to make one thing clear; each and every niece and nephew of mine have their own unique place in my life. Each of their complicated and intricate stories play a role in my life that no one else can fulfill. They are all of immeasurable importance to me whether they entered this family at birth or at some other point in their journey. With my other nieces and nephews their arrivals were of a much different kind. Each story is special and different, each child arrived into the arms of our family in a totally unique way, but none of them from birth, leaving us out of the very precious experiencing of watching life begin. Baby A (stein) was the closest, arriving at just under four weeks and under 7lbs. She weighed less than a gallon of milk!
   And now Amelia is nestled into her own little spot in my life. With her own unique story of how she arrived here and where she came from. Her birth has been highly anticipated for a few years now as she was conceived not in her Mamma's womb, but in her Mamma's heart. She was loved before creation by the everlasting God and the parents who waited so patiently for her; parents who were brought to their knees and willing to walk through any fire in order to arrive at this day, February 29th, and the birth of their first baby girl, Amelia.
   The anticipation has really been steadily building since the first announcement that she was on her way, nestled in a warm cocoon and growing every day in preparation for her journey out into the world. Over the last 3 or 4 weeks it became increasingly unbearable at the idea that her birth could actually happen 'any day now'. So we waited, as a family, for the news of her labor.
   I spent the entire night awake, working on a research paper for school that was due today, and waiting to hear the news that my niece had been born. Finally, at 2:30 AM I got the text message that changed everything, Amelia was born! :o) But even despite the 27 hours (and a few thousand miles) that separate us, her birth was something I hope I never forget. It was special and emotional and my first and I am so very blessed that I got to be a part of it all!! I never realized how an experience like this could make me feel, so protective, so in awe, so incredibly happy and blessed to have witnessed (to even this extent) the birth and beginning of new life. I will cherish this memory forever.

So A&J, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me be a part of this incredible experience with you and, Baby Amelia, welcome to a family who loves you more than you know!!

Dear God,
    Thank you for Amelia. Thank you for the journey that brought her to this place and time, for the events that put this adoption into place, for the chance that I have to be Amelia's aunt for however long we are here. God I pray that you would lift Adam and Janel and their new baby Amelia into the palm of your hands. I pray that you would protect them and watch over them in these early stages of Amelia's life and into the future. Lord, you know the plan you have made for them, and we are trusting that you have plans to prosper and not to harm them. I pray that you will wrap this new family in the comfort of your peace, give them knowledge and calm and rest and touch their hearts and minds to raise this little girl in a way that pleases you God. I pray that you will wrap Amelia in a hedge of protection, that her life will be abundantly blessed and that she will come to know you as her personal Lord and Savior. I pray that you will humble her parents, as you have done before, and always remind them of what a beautiful and precious gift she is. Thank you God for your everlasting mercy.
Amen

leap years, midnight madness and lackspiration

Happy leap day! It's officially February 29th and we won't be experiencing this day again for 4 more years! So again I say HAPPY LEAP DAY and I feel like the day is going to be filled with blessings and special happy surprises :o)

   So midnight madness is a term my sister and I use for our random all nighters. Occasionally a situation will arise where I find myself up til the wee hours of the morning facing some type of daunting task. Today is one of those days. I have a four page paper due for my English class. I thought I had until midnight tonight (Feb. 29th) to hand in this paper. However, I was wrong! I have until NOON!!!! The problem with that is that I have appointments all morning today and will not have time to finish up a paper in between. Which leaves me tonight to write all four pages and submit. The good thing? This paper is a rough draft on my final research paper that's due in April. BUT, even though it's a rough draft it IS graded. Sooooo....Why did I wait until now?
   Well, procrastination was not intentional. I am not the type to think, eh...."I work best under pressure." This is SO not true for me, let's face it....We ALL get things done under pressure because we have to. It's not like you have a choice at that point, you have to do it so you just do it. But is the quality of the work as precise as it should be? Are you really giving the best you're capable of when you complete an assignment or fulfil an obligation under the stress of a last minute effort? The answer is no. So we're back to the question of why? So I let my anxiety over wanting to do really really well get in the way of productivity. Also, writing a lengthy paper on the subject of the Industrial Revolution leaves my creative juices wanting. I do not recall ever studying this subject in my early school career, nor do I remember ever discussing this topic with anyone. I did make a trip to our school's library and take out 5 books pertaining to my topic of choice, chartism. But that's as far as I got. *sigh*
   I have tried to get started on this assignment several times over the last week. I have gotten up at 8:30 or 9:00AM every day, gotten showered and dressed, eaten breakfast and taken meds, and sat at my computer wide eyed and bushy tailed. Then, as soon as I open the web browser, you know...so I can get on the school site..., I immediately panic and become filled with anxiety at the thought of producing something impressive enough to warrant an A grade. However, the fact that trying to come up with four pages of awesomeness at the last minute will probably NOT produce an A quality paper did escape me!
   So, I am left here....during midnight madness....while waiting for the birth of my brother's first born child.....writing a blog, when I should be writing my paper......and trying not to go to the kitchen for another bowl of ice cream in attempt to calm my nerves.

Don't allow yourself to fall prey to lackspiration, the opposite of inspiration, just take your life by the horns and GO FOR IT! Inspiration is born out of rambling thought. That's usually when I figure out the hard stuff :o)

Dear God,
     I've been talking to you more lately. I really enjoy it. You listen, even though you already know how I'm feeling and what I need, and you help me to feel more calm. Thank you for being with me even when I'm frantic and stressed. Thank you for blessing me with an opportunity to be home while I figure out my first semester at college since I was a teenager. God, I want to ask your blessing over this time I have to prepare my work. I feel silly asking, because I know there are more important issues going on in my life, but right now this assignment is my biggest source of stress. I know it's pretty last minute but you are bigger than any circumstance, however trivial it may be. God, thank you for answering prayers and providing my needs. I know you will bless me. You always do, I know I can count on you. Thank you for that God.
Amen