Hustle and Bustle

Life gets super busy, we all understand how easily someone can get side tracked by just surviving your job, school, kids (yes it's true), and similar stresses of life. You may, or may not, love what’s causing you stress...But I know that the stress itself can sometimes be overwhelming.

  

   In the hustle and bustle you forget the things that make you happy. You might be saying "I don't have time to worry about being happy". Well, if you tried a little, just a few minutes a day, to remember what makes you happy....You might find you have time for a whole lot more. Happiness is like a little seed, plant it, water it, nourish it, and suddenly it's a plant that has taken root in your mind/heart/soul. Let your little seed fall into some rich, glorious soil (your life), and watch how it transforms your grey, lifeless, ball of stress into a lush, green, fruitful garden. Let your seed grow. 

  Take time for happiness. Remember what is really important to you and suddenly your life won't seem so stressful. You won't be soooo focused on the stress that you can't see the love and peacefulness around you.

I took this on vacation to see my Aunt in Vieques, PR. It was with a cellphone, in the middle of the pouring rain, with a  2mp camera, and it's one of my favorite pictures ever. It's simple
It makes me happy

   This week, even though I was SUPER stressed and had a MOUNTAIN of schoolwork to do, I decided to revisit my blog. I tore it down, so to speak, and completely recreated it. Starting with a new name. You may have read a recent post about me wanting a baby. I was wallowing, I know, because I was over focused on that. However, in letting it out, I remembered how important the other people in my life are. How import their joy is to them, and how if I stop focusing on me to focus a little more on them some of that joy might rub off!!! (and it did!)

   I baked some cookies yesterday, I thought about how much I love my husband, how much he does for me. I thought about how much it means to me that I can stay home to focus on school work full time and he is willing to work full time to support our little family. He is also in school, for electrical engineering, and he is a journalist and reviewer in the computer industry. He has a lot on his plate. Add to that plate a well rounded spoonful of me and our puppy and this man is dealing with a WHOLE LOT! I tend to forget that. I tend to focus on me, and what I’m bothered by, what I want. So I baked, and as my husband walked in the door and the timer for that first batch of cookies went off, I felt a huge *ahhhh* in my heart. I could do something, though rare, to make him happy. I could be the “taker-carer” and surprise my Husband with something so basic.

   My DH tells me all the time “you’re awesome baby” and while I am so happy that he’s happy, I don’t feel deserving of such praise. He deals with SO much in one day, more than I usually have to deal with in a whole week (or month?) and yet he thinks I am awesome. I usually just shake my head, or say “I’m not awesome, stop it” but he just smiles and says “yes you are.”

   So, if I let him think I’m awesome, will I start thinking I am awesome? Maybe I will. Either way, I want to say that I am so grateful for my husband, I am so grateful for the journey we are on, I am SO grateful that HE wants to spend his life with ME. And, I am so grateful that whatever it is I’m doing to make him say such nice things to me is enough to make him smile.

I love you baby. I’m so glad you married me. You’re awesome!!

-Love, Your “awesome” wife!!

I. AM. GOING. TO. FOLLOW. THROUGH.

This week has been very hectic. I need to complete one month of school work in 7 days. I am a few days in and the load seems heavier each passing moment. I am trying my best not to drown in the struggle, trying to remember -this too shall pass. My cards in life were dealt early and never changed. No refunds, exchanges, or second chances. I am who I am and the best I can do is use the tools God keeps trying to hand me and learn how to build with what I've got. So I get emotional, on a regular basis, and tend to let the emotions consume me. In this case anxiety is threatening my ability to focus on the task at hand. Thus, I'm here writing a blog to no one in particular because it is easier than cracking down. Here's where it gets good.
  I continue to have interesting opportunities presented to me. Tempting me to stray from the education plan I have set for myself and, oh I don't know....go out to lunch? Go visit a friend? Hang out with my precious and genuinely hilarious nieces and nephews? I can think of a million delightful ways to spend my time, but my head (and honestly my heart too!) WANT to get my work done.
  I need to score a perfect 4.0 to raise my GPA to a 3.15. Why was my GPA so low? Well, at 19 years old I attempted to put myself through college. I was not eligible for any financial aid or student loans. I had 3 jobs and, again, was 19 years old. So I went to the college, I paid $1800 up front for my first semester. I tried, honestly I really did, to stay focused on school and do my best. I failed. I ended up dropping study skills and Spanish because I couldn't afford the books. I passed English by the skin of my teeth (with a D+) because I had started off so well but blew off the final exam. I passed Math for two reasons. 1) Math is my favorite subject, and 2) It was Math 90 because I had no SAT's and didn't do well on the placement test because a room full of gum popping, pencil tapping, sighing teenagers is not a girl with ADHD's best friend!
  So! In effort to raise that dreadful GPA (which at 19 I didn't understand would follow me around for the rest of my life) I need to achieve a 4.0.
  I like to set the bar high. Sometimes, because of my over-achieving personality, I accidentally set the bar so high that I need a spring board and a set of wings to reach it. But, this time, for once, I think I can really do this.
  School started on January 17th and I hit the ground running. A month later, though I have tripped on my insecurities a few times, I am proud to say I have received 100% on every graded assignment or test so far. My English professor called me out in front of the class through a document he posted. Look!

I am elated. I am so nervous about doing well and have managed to stay on task. I am so grateful to God for putting me where I am, because "for such a time as this" actually seems to make sense to me right now. I am here, right now, because God was preparing me and shaping me for the last several years. He was getting me ready to understand how IMPORTANT a college education is, how PROUD of myself I can be when I know I've worked for what I have, how blessed I am to receive 100% funding by state and federal grants. Why? Because I never knew that I could do this. I didn't have the desire, the confidence, or the attention span to be able to follow through.
  I. AM. GOING. TO. FOLLOW. THROUGH.
  I. AM. GOING. TO. FOLLOW. THROUGH.
  I. AM. GOING. TO. FOLLOW. THROUGH.

 Ahhh. There. I said it. Three times, just like my Mamma taught me. Because, when you say something three times it means that you really really MEAN it, and that you will remember it.
 So I mean it. I will follow through, I will succeed, and I will do it with God's blessing and support. Because without Him, the ever present, all consuming Lord and Savior, I am nothing.

 And, since I want a baby so much, I know that I need to be in a position to afford a baby. And, well, I'll have a hard time doing that without a degree or a job!

Matthew 6:27 Says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Dear God,
   Thank you for your blessings. I pray that you will continue to bless my house. I need your wisdom and strength. Thank you for giving me peace today, and erasing my sadness of yesterday. Thank you for giving me something to smile about Lord.
Amen

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Ugly/Pretty

So I'm putting it out there. I want a baby. Not a baby niece, nephew, or any other extended friend/family kind of baby (even though I love them!). I want my OWN baby. But, even though I want....I know I can't have. I was doing fine with this lately, until within a few weeks of each other several people in my life got pregnant or found out they were having a baby. With each announcement my heart burst with pride and joy, feeling happiness that only the announcement of a baby can bring. After the 5th announcement, the joy felt a little dull. This may sound selfish, but unless you know what it feels like (and i know some of you do) to wait, and wait, and wait, when everyone else around you has exactly what you are waiting for, then please don't judge me. I am trying to to cry. Every time I hear baby talk, it makes me a little less excited, and a little more sad. I had convinced myself, for a time, that I didn't want any children at all. I had convinced myself that being a mother wasn't "for me" and that I was going to live a happy and care free life with my husband. WHY do I lie to myself?! Maybe because it's easier to tell yourself you don't even LIKE cake, when you know you can't have it anyway but everyone else at the party is eating it, talking about how good it tastes, and asking you to admire the statuesque beauty of the magnificent cake they are all enjoying. I just want to scream at them WELL I HATE CAKE ANYWAY! But, I don't hate cake, and I don't want to stand by while someone else groans in pleasure because it's just soooo good. I want my own piece. I want my own baby and it just really SUCKS right now that I can't have it. It's like i'm on a forced diet from parenthood.

24 years ago, at two years old I was asked what I wanted to "be", I said "A Mommy". A few years later my answer changed to "A wife and Mommy", and the answer never changed.

  Now, at 26, after 6 years together with my DH, 3 1/2 years married, and 3 honorary children, we are here.  Two "twenty-somethings" college students. Two no longer newly-weds. Two adults. Two lonely people. Watching our friends and loved ones becoming parents every day. We are wondering when we will be able to share in the joy and excitement of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. We know we have a long way to go and lots to work out in our life together. But, in this moment, we wish it was us getting to experience the excitement of pregnancy.
  For just a moment, we considered giving it a try. But, as soon as the idea took flight, we were reminded of the many many reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea for us to "try" right now. We really (really really) had been happy with waiting.
  For a few years we even considered not ever becoming parents. It was a decision that we had settled in to, and were honestly happy with. Although I know our hearts were never, truly, happy with it. Because even though our minds were made up, I still talked about babies and children and parenting almost daily. I have this innate desire to be someone's Mamma. I thought I had stifled it, but I was so very wrong.
  My sister became a parent in January of 2011. For the last year I have watched her family grow, to 6, in 7 months. Her and her husband have tackled parenthood like they were building a fortune 500 company from the ground up. They started with one brick in one hand, a spatula of mortar in the other, and over the course of a single year they built a family. Simultaneously, over the course of a year, they taught my husband and I that parenthood doesn't have to be only heartache, with only fleeting moments of joy. Parenthood is something to be cherished, something to be earned, and something that is only truly called parenting when you have the love and devotion for your child that F&M have for their children. Our hearts have slowly melted, the protective barrier we put in place after being broken so badly by our previous experience has fallen away (albeit very slowly). We are slowly warming up to the idea that loving a baby doesn't have to hurt, that loving a child just might be a safe idea, and that no matter what we have each other and we can get through anything together.
  So now it's a hurting of a different variety. It's the pain of waiting, and uncertainty and wanting that we are going through. I am sad that after being so excited for the first birth announcement my happiness has been a little more dim with each successive announcement. I am ashamed of myself for feeling the way I do, especially when the wealth of emotions seem to have sprung from no where.
  I lost sight, for a few years, of just how badly I want to be a Mom. I am grateful for that, because I didn't feel the hurt and the yearning and all the ugly/pretty of waiting. However, all the emotions I seem to have been spared from for the last couple of years have come crashing onto me in a big messy heap. And I keep crying, even though I didn't realize I was sad, because I want it to be me. I didn't even know how badly until I finally broke yesterday. And, I just don't know what to do about it. So here I am, pouring my heart out, to nobody in particular. Grasping at straws in an attempt to figure out what exactly I feel. But I am left feeling more sad than before, feeling the hurt of the ugly/pretty of waiting, and hoping that some day it will be my turn. For happiness, health, joy and babies. Until then, it's just the three of us, waiting here for a miracle.



Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper youa nd not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
So:
Dear God,
Thank you for the blessings you have granted me. Thank you for showing me that only You are sovereign, even though I keep forgetting and trying to take over. Thank you for reminding me that love is not the fairy tale that magically makes everything all better. Love is the hard work and determination of one person, to honor and cherish and respect and be patient with (and all the other qualities) another person. Love is a commitment and a promise. Thank you, God, for always meeting my needs. Thank you for always keeping your promises and always being who you say you are. God, I know you have a plan for me, and it is a plan I can't understand right now, but I know it's your plan. I am doing my best to wait, to try and be patient, to remind myself that what I want is not always what's best. But God? I really really want to know that something is going to work out. I need you to remind me that you are here, that you haven't left me dangling like a tiny thread with no hope of weaving back into a strong, thick rope. I am stressed out and lost and sad because I am struggling. I need you, so if you are listening, could you please help me understand your plan? I'm hoping it will be the comfort I need to get through my circumstances.
-Amen