standing at the edge

Lately life seems to be continuously teetering on the edge. 

On the edge of so many different decisions, 

I find myself struggling to catch my balance. 

Feeling the constant pull

Feeling like the waves are unstopable

I stop, I try, Give everything to win the fight and then

I'm losing, not giving up or giving in

the waves are crashing in, disoriented

I feel the pull

swept down by the under tow

I don't know how not to be selfish

Can't help but think of myself first

My world is the one I see and you're only,

A figment of my imagination

Do I wish life could be easy? Sometimes. There's a piece of me that thrives in the midst of a challenge. The problem is that a lot of the challenges I've faced lately are not the kind of challenges I can win on my own. I cannot perform miracles, and that's what it would take to fix what's going on within me.

   It's not a secret that I want to be a mom some day. However, at every opportunity I am offered to embark on that journey, no matter how elated I am by the possibility of "trying", I can't help being consumed by facts. For anyone who deals with any kind of terror..... not just plain, mopey old fear, I'm talking sheer terror......you know how I feel right now.

   Have you stood, shaking, at the top of a building? You look down at the world below you, and the ground you're standing on starts to shift. You can feel your body swaying forward and suddenly you find yourself trying to find the railing that you don't realize you're already white knuckle gripping.

   For a moment you can feel the wind rush by your face while you start to fall, even though the fall is in your mind. But, for that one moment the sensation of your stomach literally rising from your abdomen up....up...up...until it slams into your throat.....in that split second you are completely immobilized. Frozen, you are frozen, frozen in the icy cold grasp of terror. And then panic sets in and you are scrambling like a lunatic to get your trembling hands onto something that isn't catapulting forward off the edge. You realize, as your forehead starts to sweat and dizziness consumes you, that you are already holding onto the railing. You realize this as your knees buckle and your legs go weak. You struggle to stand up straight and try to fight back the ugly beast called terror. As the trembling sets in, the uncontrollable violent shaking you want to cry, you sniffle......hard.....and you take a steadying breath. With legs weak from trembling you try to inch yourself backwards, you feel blind....you can't see that you're only 3 steps away from the inner wall. You fling your arm out in the desperate hope that your hand will fall upon something solid, something that isn't the railing that suddenly seems too wobbly to keep you from going over the edge. You are struggling to keep the tears at bay and suddenly you are shoving through the steel door back into the stairwell that leads to safety. You are safe. You tell yourself that you are safe and hope to God that no one was standing there watching your ordeal while you fought with everything inside of you to get away from the edge and back into the safety of the small, dark hallway.

   Can you feel it? Have you been there? I'm willing to bet that you have. If it wasn't heights, it was a large, black dog. He was running after you while you were riding your bike home from school. He was so close to you, you could feel the hot steamy breath from his snarling mouth against the back of your legs as you tried to pedal faster than humanly possible. Not the dog? Maybe a spider, you woke up in the middle of the night, it's too dark to see. Something tickles your forehead and you untangle your arm from the blanket, you're so sleepy, you reach your hand up to scratch your forehead and are startled by the feel of something there. Something that feels foreign, then the something starts to move. 

   Whatever your fear is, whatever it is that brings you -instantly- to the brink of a nervous breakdown, you know the feeling I am talking about. The point? 

   I am there. Teetering on the edge, not realizing it's an optical illusion. The building is not tipping, the building is so tall that because you can't see the bottom your brain tricks you into thinking that you are leaning forward. I am leaning forward. I am immobilized by the fear inside my mind.

The reason I get so churned up inside lately when I think about someone else, every one else, who is expecting the birth of their child right now.......

   At first, while struggling to put a name to the "face" of my emotions, I called it jealousy. The term didn't sit well with me. I have watched so many women go through the why not me phase. However, I wasn't feeling that. I wasn't sitting around crying and thinking "when will it be my turn?" 

   In my struggle to identify what I was feeling it was easy to use that as an out because we've all seen it. It makes sense. But what I was feeling didn't make any sense. I felt sad, not jealous. I felt hurt, not bitter or angry or envious. I felt confused.

   I finally figured out what has been causing the highly emotional and irrational reaction. It took hours and hours of trying to write a blog the other day. When I finally decided to scrap the entire thing and simply write about my frustration I got my answer. 

   Other people in my life are not spending their time lamenting over the decision on whether or not they should have a baby. It's happening, the baby is on its way and the decision is made. No more trying to decide, no more torturing yourself with the details. Can we afford it? Well, for these people the question is a moot point because they'll have to figure it out. Can we handle it? Again, I guess you'll find out won't you? The questioning is over for you. You are in the thick of it and no matter what your insecurity or doubt is, you will have to figure it out because the fear can no longer hold you back from making a decision. 

   In my situation, I don't have the freedom to just happen to get pregnant. I can't just see what happens. In my situation, each step of the way is going to be a life altering decision just to be prepared to TRY and get pregnant. I am terrified. I don't know what is going to happen if I throw myself into the challenge this time. Failure is not the only consequence I face for making the necessary changes I'll need to make in my life if I want to carry a child.

  It's not the want, the possibility of being pregnant, that scares me. It's the before. It's the possibility of what may happen if I really decide to go for it. It's the change...

  I have decided that if I continue to wait, to let my fear shackle my feet to this spot in the ground, I will be standing here forever. Standing at the railing, feeling the wind rushing around me, with my stomach trying to force itself through my throat. Waiting, indefinitely, for the world to stop tipping. 

  There will never be a "right" time. Life will never be perfect enough for the child who I've waited for a lifetime to meet. I have wanted to be a Mamma since I could form a cognitive thought. I can't ever remember NOT wanting it. Aside from the lie that I honestly thought I believed for a short time over the last couple of years. But I want it. And the part that made me so sad....

   I was the only one holding myself back from that dream. Me. 

All I can do is use the tools I was given in this life, the tools that work for me because they were made for me by the God who created me, and try to make something good. The point that I must emphasize is TRY. If I don't try, I have not failed or succeeded. I have simply managed to exist. And that's just not good enough. 

Dear God,

    You are the only one who truly understands me. You are the one who created me with a purpose and a plan. You have promised me that you will provide, that you will supply everything I need. You are all I need. And I really do need you. I need your help, I need your blessing, I need you to hold me and my little family in your hands. I know I can't keep it together on my own, that's part of the reason I am so scared to let go. But you can keep it all together God. So I am asking you to keep it together. Please watch over me, and Will, and our families. Please help us stay on a good path, even with the changes to come. I want to be a Mamma. If I could put aside all of the facts that make that decision so difficult for me, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. So God I am asking for your help.

Amen