don't forget your hard hat....

I've spent just about the entire day writing. My intention at first was to respond to the blog post of a friend. When the response I was typing became increasingly long, I copied it into a blog post and deleted it from the response. I decided that since there were so many things suddenly welling up from my soul that I should continue to write, let things work out, and just "blog about it." However, I ran into a snag. A 7 hour long snag.

The original blog post was so long that when I copied it into MSWord, as I often do, it was already a few pages in length. So, for the purpose of shortening and clarifying, I decided to make revisions to it. After several hours and countless revisions I am spent.

"I struggle with feeling ashamed of my emotions. It’s hard to be so happy for other people, when everything you’re happy about is the same thing that’s making you sad." 

This is a line from one of the many paragraphs in the document I've spent the better part of my day revising. The truth is, part of what I am frustrated about is that I just don't know what I feel. I am crying, then I am numb, and the cycle continues. You see.....I've waited my whole life to be somebody's Mamma. But it seems the older I get the more complicated that dream becomes.

I think this is what's the most upsetting. The fact that it can't just be easy. We haven't been able to just make a decision and go with it, for many different reasons. But I just want the fairy tale moment where the baby just appears on the next page and we live happily-ever-after. As unrealistic as it sounds, I spent a large portion of my life believing in the possibility of that fairy tale. Obviously after the age of understand how things "work" I realized the baby doesn't just appear. But I still thought the rest could just sort of happen. But there are so many things to consider when you stop to pick apart your life. Money, time, stress ......

How do I know I will be able to handle it? I don't..... And that scares me enough to bring me to where I'm stuck today. I don't know if I can handle it. So instead of giving up, or trying to find out, I am paralyzed in the fear and unable to make a decision.

That thought is what I have spent my entire afternoon trying to put into words. Wow.

I cry, I blame it on the fact that I see other people having children and it makes me want that too. But what I'm really upset about, why I am really crying when I see these happy expectant mothers, is the fact that they are all DOING it. They aren't stuck where I'm stuck. They're just doing it. And a part of me wants to be there SO bad, I get so close to saying "let's just go for it!", and then I pull myself back again. I am afraid. And to be quite honest, that makes me really mad.

To be continued.....